Finding a shared purpose

- Conflict is a difficult conversation to have. Most of us think it's difficult because of the inherent qualities of the conversation. But difficult is the opinion that people have when they don't know how to do it. The conversation itself is not difficult, but we approach the conversation with the wrong frame of mind and with the wrong tools. So let's start with the frame of mind. The typical purpose in a conflict conversation, when I walk in, I'm thinking, my goal is to prove to you that I'm right, you're wrong, and you are to do what I'm telling you to do. I want to win and I want you to lose. In a long-term relationship, that's not possible. There's no such thing as winning a fight in a relationship. The moment you're fighting, you've already lost. Whoever wins, the other person is going to be resentful. Yet, it's impossible to avoid that outcome just by the very way we frame the purpose of the conversation. I want to win, I want you to lose, and I want you to do what I'm telling you to do. So we need to change that. The first step in improving these conversations is to walk in the conversation with a different perspective. And the perspective is, I have to state a goal that you would agree with. Now this sounds crazy, is that we're having a conflict because we have opposite goals, but that is not true. Every conflict happens in the context of collaboration. If you didn't have a reason to collaborate, you would not have a conflict. So think of any conflict, for example, let's say you and your spouse are arguing about where to go for a vacation. It looks like you have the opposing views. You want to go to the mountains, she wants to go to the sea. You want to go to the warm weather, he wants to go to the cold. And so, okay, we're at odds. But there's a different context of collaboration, both of you want to go together. You're trying to decide where to go together. You want to have a relationship that stays and then there's a choice, where do we go together, but the togetherness is more important than where. Otherwise, you wouldn't be in a relationship. This is general. So, every time you have a conflict with a person, it's relevant to ask yourself, what is the largest purpose where we need to collaborate and within which the conflict arises? So at work, let's just say I'm a salesperson and I want to make the sale and you're in compliance and you say that the credit checks for the customer are not ready. And now we're at odds, because I want to close the sale, and you're saying we can't close the sale. But we have different roles and because we have different roles, we have different perspectives on what would be the best thing to do. But our conflict is not absolute. Our conflict is relative to a larger purpose of collaboration. So the first step of solving any conflict is to see the conflict as a potential collaboration and to frame it like that. So to start the conversation by saying, look, my goal in this conversation is for you and I to agree on what would be the best way to manage this client. But that is not opposing one another, but it's actually putting the two people together to solve a problem. That frame dissolves 90% of the acrimony in the conflict, because now we are side by side, we both agree on what we're trying to do and now we'll see what's the best way to do it if we can find it.